JUNE 2024

6/16/2024

I finally figured out how to work Neocities. Well, to the best of my ability. I'm not particularly skilled with HTML or CSS so I'm pretty proud of myself. I was wanting to go to school to become a computer science major, but I realized having to learn coding on a time crunch would be harmful to my mental stability so I opted for psychology instead. I like to think majoring in Psychology would help connect me to my godkintype. I'm not a god that existed in this world's stories or texts, but I believe I was part of another realm or solar system. Possibly another dimension altogether.

I was a helpful god turned sour, I think. Not out of greed, but out of necessity. I have a sneaking suspicion that the beings who worshipped me took my powers for granted. In turn, I had to part from them in a bittersweet moment of learning for them. This is the only noema I have about the whole thing. My only purpose in that life and this one is to help. I do wonder what I have done to curse me into a life of chronic illness & disability and wingless wandering.

6/17/2024

Today was the first day of my new job, and I had fun. It was just regular office work and organizing, but I enjoy the mundane tasks I was given. Ever since my awakening on 6/13/2024, I've been unable to sit comfortably in chairs due to a prolonged episode of experiencing a sensation known as phantom limbs. I feel wings on my back and my head, the same wings I had when I had godhood. It was so distracting, but I finally clocked out and came right home and relaxed. Watched some movies with my beloved partner, so everything will be alright.

6/18/2024

It feels like people try to take advantage of my desire to help. I had to stay overtime at work, doing the same thing over and over until my mortal arms were twitching and shaking. T'was to the point the nerves in my arms felt like everything at once: Both expanding outwards, exploring the outside world and shrivellig up to seek shelter within the void of my soul. The chronic disability in this vessel is severely limiting, and it disappoints me. Do the humans here take advantage of those blessed with these kinds of souls too?

Unavoidable overwhelming disappointment in humanity aside, I believe that I've made significant progress in remembering my past life as a god. While I'm still stuck on remembering the color of my body, I know that I had two pairs of wings. One pair was on my back, and they were elliptical and large for high-speed flying & speed. The other pair were much smaller wings on the sides of my head, and they were for soaring. Both pairs of wings were blue, yet a lighter blue than my dark blue flowing hair. On the top of my head were two, symmetrical light blue horns that were adorned with silver chains. They bent towards the back of my head and curved elegantly.

Another detail would be that in the suprasternal notch laid a green gem, secured by a shimmering gold halo. I highly believe that this gemstone was Prasiolite. It was green, but when I see a list of green gems and jewels, I do not feel drawn to any of them like how I am drawn to prasiolite. I also suspect that I had flecks of dark blue glitter on my face akin to freckles. I'm very interested to learn more about this past life of mine, as it excites me to learn more about myself. I wish to find out why I was sent to live on this planet and in this dimension. (Side note, I also know that I was associated with the number 6).

I must sleep now. I have a long life ahead of me, and it starts with the single step of tomorrow.

6/19/2024

Today I suspect that I spoke to the god(s) of this world. It began to rain as I was on my way home. With my umbrella open and shielding me from the harsh wind and pouring rain, I began to pray. I'd never really prayed before as I wasn't raised with any specific religion and I do have religious trauma dealing with American-Christianity, so the default to praying that the rain would stop was shocking to myself. Though I wished for the rain to stop so I wouldn't get sick, I did not phrase it in such a way."

"Oh gods," I began to mutter, closing my eyes as tightly as I could, "I understand you are testing me today, but do you truly think I'd give up in just some measly rain and wind?"

Early on in the day, I gave $20 to a homeless woman. I understood her pain, and when she asked for money I acquiesced. She began to ramble on about stuff I had no idea about, but I believe she was mentally ill as she believed that I was one of her relatives. When I continued my walk, I saw another homeless man with a shopping cart full of random items that he had seemingly picked up off of the street. Though, when he picked up a bottle that was littered on the ground in front of me, he promptly threw it away like a good samaritan.

As I recalled this while I prayed, I realized that the gods here weren't testing me. They wanted me to know that they are going through the same pain as I had in my previous life. The gods had wept today. Mortals pray to the gods for their own comfort, but who is there to comfort the gods in return? I continued my prayer, consoling whichever god was raining their woes down upon the concrete below my feet.

"Your tears do not bemuse me, for I've experienced my own fair share of pain. While I may not understand what you have gone through in this world, I do understand the feeling of being left alone and let down by your creations and those who worship you. Mortals in this world favor the cruel and unjust while punishing the good and kind, leaving them all to curse you for circumstances that you cannot control anymore. Nobody will understand, nor will the ever comprehend your pain. Yet I am here now, and your pain rushes through my veins just as the ocean rushes by the beach, reoganizing the grains of sand and pushing them through the flowing currents of existence. You are not just worshipped, but loved and appreciated."

And the rain had stopped. Usually I would have seen it as a coincidence, but then the clouds parted and the sun shone through directly over me. That is what sold the notion that the gods here are real, and they can't help but listen to their creations here. Perhaps I can figure out just what I've done in my past life to warrant me to be cursed with a broken body instead of a proper one. Of course this isn't the gods' faults, but my own for misbehaving in my past life. The punishment always fits the crime when it is given by the godly judge.

6/21/2024

I suspect the gods of this dimension have blessed me.

This morning, I was given donuts. Then when going to a vending machine to receive a drink, it charged me for one soda bottle but gave me two instead. Then I received a large sum of money to buy necessities. I am so grateful for these opportunities and will not take it for granted. For the first time in a long time I feel truly blessed and appreciated by the outside forces around me. I do not feel cursed, but rather feel supported and comfortable where I am right now.

Was this because I comforted them the other day? While I hope they do feel better, they should focus on feeling better and loving theirselves rather than pampering me like this. I appreciate it, but I do not wish to be favored over others anymore than this. Though I accept the blessings and will use this for my needed food, clothes, and bills.

And for the first time ever, I feel as if I truly might fit in this dimension and planet.